Tried To Walk
by YJ ANDY
Summary: If love could bring back the dead, well...wouldn't that be lovely? You have one chance to change it all, how far will you go to save a life?
1. Chapter 1

**TRIED TO WALK**

**AN: This fic takes place after the Quincy's invasion had things turned out differently.**

Chapter 1: Life after you

An amber eye cracked open, immediately a tan arm rose up to create a shield against the cruel light of the sun coming through the bare window. He slowly moved into a sitting position on the bed, rubbing his eyes.

Another day had begun.

He squinted at the window and at the black curtains pushed aside, a sight that never used to be until just recently. Before, the black drapes would hardly be moved from their position in front of the window, serving to keep the punishing rays from penetrating his room, since he was not a morning person, but that was before and no longer the person he was now.

Now, the light streaming through the window every morning served for many purposes. It was his waking alarm, it was the light that woke him from the horrible nightmares that came each time he laid on his bed and closed his eyes, and it was just one more of the countless tributes he found himself acting out.

He climbed out of bed and opened the window. He took it all in, the shining sun upon his face, the fresh morning air hitting his bare chest and the birds filling his ears with their peaceful songs.

It was a beautiful morning. It was perfect. Yet, it wasn't. No morning would ever be beautiful or perfect to him. There was something missing in each waking day, an emptiness that could never be filled.

As he stood there, deep down he knew that a pair of other eyes would have enjoyed the sight.

The eyes of someone who would never again get the chance to greet a new day.

He quickly pushed away from the window and headed into the adjoining bathroom. He turned the water of the shower on full blast, stepped in and let the cold water work it's way into his thick hair. Sweat from the night was washed away, he only wished it were that simple to rid oneself of everything else.

After finishing up, he dried himself and wrapped the towel around his waist. He walked back into his room and stared into the mirror. He seemed different to himself now, almost like a stranger. The man who stared back at him now did so with dull, fireless eyes framed by dark circles. He seemed older now, too, seeming to have grown in only a matter of a few weeks.

He grabbed a brush and began to comb out the knots in his long red hair. Afterwards he pulled his hair back into his usual style and put on his black bandanna. He dressed into a fresh shihakusho and hesitated as the last item to complete his look still hung in the closet. This was always the hard part, the part he dreaded to face every day.

Slowly he went back to the closet and pulled out the white haori. He rubbed the material between his fingers, it still felt new; it had yet to possess the worn out feel clothing got with usage and age. Holding the white haori away from his body he wondered how such a light piece of cloth could feel like a bag of rocks in his hands.

He sat on the bed and softly, his fingertips hardly ever touching the fabric, he traced the bold black lines, following the familiar number. His eyes stung and his hands shook. Printed in his mind, so clearly, still so vividly, was the man who had once worn the insignia on a strong, proud back.

Now, the weight of it hung on his shoulders.

He wasn't ready for this, and only Kami knew how much he didn't want it. Not like this.

He pressed his face into the haori and wept.

People say that wounds heal with time, but his wounds, incurable, would bleed forever.

(*)*(*)*(*)*(*)*(*)*(*)*(*)

"G-good morning, Captain Abarai!" A shinigami, stuttered.

The captain nodded in the direction of the shinigami and continued to make his way to the division. He heard footsteps behind him, but paid it no mind.

"Um…I-I think you're… a-amazing…I…."

Renji stopped in his tracks and turned to face the one who had spoken. His eyes widened slightly as he took in the young face of a shinigami no more than a child. Obviously, the boy was a recruit, just fresh out of the academy. The boy kept his eyes lowered and Renji could see that he was shaking. He walked closer, closing the gap between them.

The young boy lifted his pretty dark green eyes and the redhead placed a hand on the small shoulders.

"What's your name?"

"H-haru, sir."

"Haru… thank you."

He heard a small gasp escaped from Haru's lips and a cute blush covered his young face. Renji ruffled the blond hair and smiled.

"Take care, kid."

The green eyes widened sweetly and the redhead couldn't help but think there was something familiar in them. When it hit him he let go of the boy, nodded and walked away quickly, yet he felt like he couldn't get away fast enough.

Those eyes, how many times had he seen eyes such as those? They had been in the eyes of his friends… and even in his own. Eyes lit with a special kind of joy and so much hope. That awed gaze that could only be translated into idolism.

The boy saw him as some kind of hero.

He felt his composure breaking away from him, slipping from his grasp.

He had done nothing to be looked upon with eyes such as those. He didn't deserve that kind of admiration. He didn't deserve any kind of worship. He'd done nothing.

He had not saved anyone when it was paramount, he had not possessed the power to stop his captain when it had mattered most, nor was he able to hold his own in the fight to protect those he cared for, for those he considered friends. He'd let blades cause damage, he'd allowed for internal organs to become heavily destroyed, and time and time again he'd been utterly helpless when one of his friends lives were at risk.

In the heart breaking end, he'd let his captain die.

He clenched the haori tightly by his side, his nails biting into his skin.

He didn't deserve the title.

_I let him die. _

Renji shuddered, an intense cold running all throughout his body. The warm sun unable to reach him now. His legs felt so weak they felt ready to fail on him. He wanted nothing more than to break into pieces for everyone to see. To let the whole world know he wasn't strong, that he was dying deep inside. That every breath killed him.

But he couldn't…

Not here. Never here.

He had a squad to hold together, soldiers to comfort and train. They looked to him for strength, they needed him to be strong. He had to lead by example. He couldn't fall and let the squad crumble alongside him; without a proper foundation a structure will fall.

It's what his captain would've wanted.

Without realizing it he had made it to the sixth division. He went straight to the office and leaned against the door as he entered. Closing his eyes he took a moment to breathe, trying to find some balance, afterwards he pushed off the door and headed to his desk. He jumped, instinct had his hand coming to the zanpakutou that rested near his hip when he felt arms wrap around his waist.

"Renji."

His hand moved away from the sword and came to rest on a small pale hand.

"Rukia…"

She pressed her face firmly into his back, her hands tightly holding his clothes. She made no sound, yet knowing her the way he did, he knew she was crying. This too, was a reason why he couldn't give into the desire of falling completely apart.

She needed him.

"Hey," he whispered softly. "Don't cry… he wouldn't want that, you know."

"I love him."

Tears rose in his eyes and he swallowed the thick lump in his throat. He tightened his hold on her hand, and blinked back the wetness in his eyes.

"I know."

She said nothing for a time, then he heard in such a faint whisper it was barely audible, "Do you think he knew?"

"I'm sure he did. Why do you ask?"

"I never told him. I never said those words to him. I felt it in my heart, but I-I was afraid to speak them to him. It never occurred to me that he would… like this… so suddenly-"

She broke off and he turned enfolding her in his arms, holding her close as she cried. He ran fingers through her short raven hair and tried to think of words that could somehow comfort this inconsolable girl.

"Rukia… my Rukia."

She lifted her head, large violet eyes, lovely yet filled with so much pain, connected with his own amber ones. He brushed the falling tears with his thumbs, then ran them down the curve of her cheek and from there to trace the pink lips that were slightly parted. His body instantly recognizing every curve, every line, every dent on her face.

There were only two faces that he knew inch by inch, detail for detail. The face that stood inches away from his own at that moment and the other… a face he'd never have the chance to look upon again.

Heartbrokenly, he bent forward and brushed his lips against hers, their lips hardly ever touching, but enough to make her eyelids flutter closed. He raised his lips and placed a kiss over each eyelid, his lips finding their way to her hairline next, where they stilled.

"I'm sorry I-," Rukia began.

"Stop," he cut in a bit forcefully, he winced at his own tone and softened it. "Don't you go apologizing for your tears. You're with me, you don't need to hold back and you don't need to pretend."

She buried her face in his chest and sighed. "You smell…good. I never want to lose this scent, I…I never want to lose you, Renji. You and Ichgio are all I have left."

"How is he?"

"He's hurting. All this…it's broken him into pieces." She pulled back. "He's asked about you. He wonders if you blame him…"

"It was never his job to protect any of us." Renji shook his head.

She raised her hand to his chest. "You need to talk to him."

"I know, it's just been…I've just been busy."

"Renji, he wants to see you. I think…he needs to see you."

"Sounds like you've been hanging around him a lot."

She dropped her hand and lowered her eyes." Um…"

He lifted his face to the ceiling and let out a half-hearted chuckle. "He's probably fuming… Ichigo better watch out for any stray petals." He stared down at their close proximity. "Oh man, I should probably do the same."

"Hey, don't think I'll protect you or anything."

"Oh gee, thanks Rukia, I always knew I could count on you."

Rukia laughed, a real laugh. It was foreign to his ears and it must have been to hers as well as she abruptly stopped and touched her lips.

His smile faded. "I'd do anything to have him kick my ass again."

_To feel his strength, to see that grand power surround him. To witness once again my captain as he was on that very first day I ever laid my eyes on him. _

_Beautiful and elegant. Powerful and proud, untouchable and… _

_Invincible._

He sighed and broke away from the smaller shinigami. He sat down on the chair and rubbed his temples, the beginnings of a horrible headache coming on to him. His eyes followed Rukia as she made her way to a bookshelf in the corner, watched as a delicate hand traced the stems of the books.

"It's still so strange." Her voice regained some of it's former strength. "I keep expecting him to come back, you know, like he'll be home when I get there. Captain Unohana says that's normal and I know it is because when Kai-…" She leaned against the shelf. "That feeling, it'll eventually fade a little, life will become a bit more bearable as the days go by. Grieving with others, speaking your feelings aloud… it all helps, she said."

"Everyone says that." he muttered under his breath.

Of course, in the quiet room he was heard. "Captain Unohana also says that it's important for you to see her. She hasn't told you directly because she's respecting your privacy, she's waiting for you to come to her."

"That won't happen. I don't need that, I'm dealing with it in my own way. I'll get to the same end point on my own." He leaned back on his chair. "I'm fine."

"She said that one cannot bottle everything up and that doing everything on our own is not the answer."

"I really am fine."

"She's worried."

"I'm going to be okay, there's nothing to be worried about."

Rukia pushed off the shelf and glared at him. "She told me, that you shed not a single tear at the funeral. She saw you Renji. It's expected of the nobles and other captains, but you're nothing like them, bottling everything up was never you, Renji. How can you blame her for worrying?"

"And I was able to hold in my anger and hatred for a man for years," he said, heatedly. "She doesn't know a damn thing about me. I didn't cry at the funeral out of respect for _him _because he never liked that shit! There's nothing wrong with me! I already-"

"Fuck it, Renji!" She yelled. "Shut up and listen!"

He stared at her with wide eyes, his anger rising, but he said nothing.

"Who cares about her, right? Who the hell cares about anybody else, so what, they're not important right now." She sat down in the seat across the desk from him. "Right now, it's just you and me, or are you going to sit there and lie to my face? Are you going to tell me that I don't know anything about you?"

"Rukia," he said through his teeth.

"Tell me I have nothing to worry about." She narrowed her eyes. "Let me warn you that if you do, I'll punch you so hard you'll be forced to go to the fourth division and see her."

"Fine."

"You haven't cried in public, don't say anything, I don't expect you to, actually I understand why you wouldn't do that. I know that you have to be there for your squad, I respect that. But you haven't let it out in front of the people you call friends." She sighed. "You haven't let it out with me. You haven't said anything about how you're feeling. I guess I understand that, too. You don't want to throw your emotions on me, you probably think my feelings are more important than your own. You will put my pain above your own, don't try to deny it because I know that's the way you think. It's who you are and I love you for that."

She stared into his eyes, waiting for him to speak, but he couldn't and so looked away. She continued. "You're in so much pain, you don't think I see that? Why are you running away from the people who want to help you? Why are you shutting us out?" Violet eyes sparkled with unshed tears. "Why are you shutting me out, Renji?"

"It's not that I want to push you away, it's not…I'm not doing it intentionally. Not really." He placed a hand on the table, Rukia's followed shortly after, laying hers over his. "I can't let him go, Rukia, I don't want to. I…"

_I love him. _

_I can't stop loving him. _

_Even though he's gone, I'm still in love with him._

"I'm sorry…I'm not ready Rukia, I'm just not ready."

He watched with dry eyes, as a tear trickled down her cheek. She nodded slowly, stood up and walked away.


	2. Chapter 2

**Tried to walk**

Chapter 2: Remnants of you

Renji let out a frustrated breath and threw the document he held, it slid across the desk and fell over the edge. He picked up another document, attempting to try anew, only to find, moments later, the page crumpled in his fist. Tossing aside the now ruined paper, he dropped his head into his hands.

He was irritated and exhausted. His body sore from sleeping on the office floor after fatigue had won out from the steady task of completing the never ending pile of paperwork he had set out for himself to do.

Day three, his body no longer under his charge allowed his mind to wander into the direction he'd been trying to steer clear from. Yet, try as he might, he was just too weak and emotionally drained to fight against it.

He stood, the chair scraping against the floor boards sounded uncomfortably loud, like a drill as it bores holes into wood, for ears that had been solely in the presence of nothing but shuffling papers in the past few hours.

Renji paced, unable to stand still, only after realizing he was falling into one of his horrible habits he stopped. He looked around the small room for anything that might occupy his mind for a few hours more. Amber eyes landed on the bookshelf in the corner.

Reverently, a tanned hand traced the stems of the books, just like Rukia had a few days earlier.

He hadn't been able to forgive himself for causing her to worry over him and for bringing about unnecessary tears. Each tear she shed were like drops of alcohol on his wounded body. She had tried to help and he would always be grateful for having Rukia, that regardless of what time could pass he would always have her.

Rukia meant too much to him to let her know the truth that he was beyond fixing. He didn't have the heart to tell her just how broken he was, like a glass window that had shattered after being struck with a weapon until it was no more than crystal dust.

And just like dust, he feared he too would be drifted away by the wind.

Renji rested his head against the shelf, in deep thought. His eyes roamed over the muted colors of the books, he lifted his hand to them again and sighed. The weight of his hand pushed a few books farther back, causing them to hit the shelf's wall. An odd noise rang out in the otherwise silent room.

Lifting an eyebrow, the redhead returned the books to their original state, that's when his eyes centered on an uneven portion of the wall that hadn't been there before. He reached over and somehow was able to push open a small square of wood where he found a burgundy colored book lying in a small dark space.

His eyebrows furrowed as he took the book into his hands, delicately turning it on all angles as he inspected it. It was an old book, the cover slightly ripped, but in otherwise good condition. He flipped the cover open and encountered writing that filled an entire yellowed page.

_My fate has been decided, this I have known since the days of my youth. A fate determined the moment I had drawn breath. I abhorred such restrictions placed upon my own life. How I loath the rattle of the chains as I begin to take one step astray, I am trapped; the key nonexistent. _

_As I gaze at my reflection, there is a flawless fair complexion now blemished with a rose-hued mark. A sign for my defiance. _

_The splendor of a life born into nobility is just a beautiful lie. Freedom is nothing more than a word. _

Renji turned the page and continued to read.

_Awakening this spring morning with longing as I watch the birds sit atop the trees singing with such contentment, strong wings to take flight when they please, Kami, how I yearn to soar into the clouds or glide over the great expanse of sea with them._

_Alas, I am bounded to this body and to this soil. _

_I had taken no more than five steps into the garden when I happened upon a most stunning sight. _

_Every part of my being tingles as I recall, glowing paleness the likes that has only been witnessed from the moon framed by a curtain of lush midnight silk. Shimmering stars, sparkling from beneath thick black feathers. _

_Night has risen even as the sun graces the sky. _

_Pink lips parted as she spoke her name. A whisper, soft as the petals of a rose. Eyes, like a true noble princess, betrayed nothing. Shrouded in a blanket of mystery. _

_As she passed me by, I caught sight of a ghost of a smile play at her lips. Frozen into place, it took a moment to move and as I turned, I turned only to find a single sakura petal floating gently on the wind. _

Confusion filled every part of the redhead's mind. He recognized the handwriting and yet something about it seemed foreign to him. It certainly _looked_ like his captain's script, but…

Renji, sat down at his desk and took out a key from the top drawer. He slipped it into the lock on the drawer below and carefully took out a tin box. A few sheets of paper rested inside and the redhead delicately peeled the top page off the small pile.

A yellow-brown stain covered the top left corner, his heart sped up and he quickly averted his gaze to the side. He took a deep breath trying to calm himself, breathing through the pain each heartbeat brought. The page he held may have seemed like a regular document to most, something mundane, but it held more meaning than that to him. He would give up everything for this dirty, tea spilled on page, for it was _his. _

The last. The last page ink would be led across by his captain's pale hand, while sitting for the last time at the desk in the very last time he'd ever step foot into the office.

Renji remembered it, he sometimes wish he didn't. It was that image that he went back to every time he walked into the empty office. His captain had been working silently as usual, and the man was absolute perfection, his beauty amplified by the late morning sun coming through the window lighting him. A warm yellow glow surrounding him and Renji swore he thought he was laying his eyes upon an angel.

He'd been standing at the doorway, tray in hand, gaping. He knew he had stood there with his mouth open for a long time because his captain took notice and told him so. He remembered walking forward slowly, when those eyes framed by thick lashes looked up at him.

Eyes that should have been gray shone silver that day. And Renji stumbled, clumsily tripping over his own feet, the tray flying out of his hands, tea splashing everywhere.

He couldn't remember how many times he apologized as he grabbed a rag and wiped tea off the desk, head lowered in embarrassment as he berated himself for his never failing stupidity.

His hand movement had been stopped by a firm grip. In glancing up he was held in place by those silver irises, there was a strange look in his captain's eyes, one he couldn't decipher, which was strange because there was nothing he couldn't read when it came to his captain. He'd been about to speak when that dreadful alarm went off, one that brought his nightmares alive.

Renji laid his hand over his chest at the memory, it was engraved in his mind and heart. No physical pain could ever come close to the agony such memories brought him.

He shook his head and told himself to stay focused on the task at hand. He'd pulled the page out for a reason that had nothing to do with that day. The crimson haired captain opened the burgundy book again to the first page and compared the handwritings. There was little to nothing that differentiated the writings, but Renji almost instantly saw the distinction.

It was all in the pressure of the hand. His captain's handwriting held a much bolder appearance on paper, while there was a thinner lining in the symbols filling the pages in the book.

Many would call him crazy for seeing that little difference, but every captain and lieutenant went through that training, so as to recognize a forgery if the occasion ever arose. It was a training he took to heart.

The main question remained, to who did this book belong to if not to his captain?

Renji parted the old book at the middle and read, curious now.

_Cold, so very cold… my being trembles from the frost encasing my core. _

_A hollowness the likes that I have never known has entered my body. I have been ripped from all source of light; I wander in black shadow. _

_How swiftly miraculous blessings become such vile tragedies, smiling faces into those that shed tears. Those whose voices were filled with joyful exclamations are now weeping silently. _

_My own howls bearing my anguish are trapped in my chest. _

_I look down at the sickly pale skin, a hue of green. Her graceful radiance absent, the soft lips the pink of a sakura gone, my twinkling stars now closed for eternity. _

_I love you, I had whispered into her ear as she took her final breaths and she looked at me with the most loveliest expression, her insides torn, blood seeping through the futon, spreading onto the floor and her face was filled with serenity and bliss. _

_Yellow eyes now golden shining with gratitude. _

_I continued to whisper those three words even as her soul had left. _

_My beautiful angel of the night. _

_Death, she is like an arctic wind, stealing the warmth of all life forms. She has taken all that holds me together. I cannot think of continuing, I can only think of cutting these earthbound chains, freeing myself to fly with my angel. _

_As I write this, I am at my lowest, there is no longer any strength within me. I hear others mourning, it has become the music in the background, and there is this particular cry, a child… a very small child. Why will the crying not stop? _

Fully absorbed, Renji kept reading after turning the page.

_He is small. Such a fragile soul. _

_I observe the soft rise and fall of his chest, the faint map of purple veins covering delicate eyelids. I watch as they flutter as he sleeps comfortably, peacefully, unknowing of what he has lost, unknowing of any of the cruelty life brings. He is innocent. _

_I touch a finger to his cheek and he opens his eyes, Kami, they shine and sparkle the same way. _

_I see her in him. I see myself in him. I see our love in him. _

_I lay my hand over his tiny one and feel a small smile form on my lips, I never thought my heart would recall how, but he has made me remember. He has shown me that there is still light in this world when I had thought there was only a never-ending absence of it. _

_We all remain after loved ones rise to the heavens to play near the stars for a reason. _

_I have found my reason. _

_He… is my reason. _

_He is my illuminating glow when night falls, surrounding me, making everything white. _

_White night._

_My heart is still filled with so much pain, it's still breaking as I take in one more breath without her, but love for him continues to grow with each breath as well. _

_He gives me strength no other could give me. _

_My saving angel. _

_I love you. _

_I lean down to kiss him and he smells….good. Like a Sakura tree… _

Renji rose from his seat, book in hand, guilt eating at him. He was almost certain the journal had belonged to Byakuya's father. One that contained the man's inner thoughts and emotions; his entire heart on paper. He felt like he'd invaded the deceased man's privacy, reading words not meant for his eyes.

He made his way to the window, outside he could see the bare trees swaying to the left with a sky the color of murky mop water as the backdrop.

_The cycle never ends. We gain, we lose; we breathe and we die. There's never a happy ending, is there? How could there be? _

_Losing that person, the one that enlivened your world in a way no other could, it leaves you in complete ruins._

He took a breath and backed away from the window. He needed to get out into the open and get fresh air into his lungs before he went completely mad.

He walked back to shelf, ready to put the diary back into place, but his clumsiness never failed to kick in and of course he dropped the delicate book.

"Fuck," he muttered as he bent down.

He blinked in confusion, there laying in stark contrast to the yellow pages was a white envelope.

"Father…" Renji whispered, he brushed a finger deferentially on the word, on a handwriting that he knew instinctively.

It was his captain, obviously many years after his father's passing, addressing him.

His captain had been one who so many feared, a being without emotions, cruel and aloof. Only those who knew him, like the whole of squad six, knew that was untrue. Everyone had understood that emotionless he was not, he only kept his personal feelings to himself and hid them well. All had understood that there was a difference between cruel and strict.

And those who knew him the way Renji had, had known that there were many layers to the man. He was uncovering and peeling back one more layer. While he'd read the diary it never occurred to him that his captain had come across the journal and read all that was written within.

Holding the letter, he was touched deeply, here was his captain writing to a man he had barely known, to someone who would never have the chance to read it, and yet he had taken the time to compose and seal this letter. The great Byakuya Kuchiki writing to his father, who had been dead for over one hundred years, it was too incredible for anyone to believe.

Even Renji would've never figured, yet he held the proof. Now, he was all kind of curious, what would his captain have put down on paper? What had he wanted to say to his father?

_No._

Renji needed to remind himself that the letter was not for him and that his reading it would be an invasion of privacy.

He continued to stare at it even as he placed it inside the book. He tried to tear his eyes away and put the book back to it's spot, but his curiosity was eating at him. He could feel right and wrong warring with each other.

He reached for it again, restraint was never a specialty of his. And hell he was missing his captain and wanted to feel him in some way.

Carefully, he opened the envelope and gently withdrew the pages folded neatly inside. Unfolding them his heart leapt up, more than seeing his captain's lovely handwriting was the traces he could feel of the noble on the pages. He swallowed the lump that had formed in his throat.

_Father mine. _

_Yours was a precious soul, one mourned when lost. One so dear to me, my longing for you is endless. _

_So young was I, I can hardly bring to mind the moments spent in your presence, of the words you had spoken. However, I can recall the overfilling warmth of the love you gave to me. The feel of being wrapped in arms always so inviting. _

_And though the words are blurred, I can still remember the comforting vibrations as my head rested on your chest. _

_Your love as I have come to realize would have never judged or faulted me for decisions I have made._

_Father, I turn to you while I am lost._

_I am mortified of the choices and actions I have taken. I have never felt more ashamed of the person I have become. _

_I had made a terrible mistake, one that could have ended in tragedy, one that cannot be forgiven. A betrayal of a promise over that of a vow, a vow that I had made; one you never asked for. She has forgiven me and yet I cannot let it go. _

_How can I? _

_Her life is precious and I had stood and watched as that life faced its last moments. While her lungs breathed their final breaths. Her lips whisper those final words…_

_I had not helped her and instead used my power against her, into preventing those who sought to protect her. _

_Such a disgrace. How far have I fallen from the tree of humanity? _

_Help me now when there is none I can turn to for I have pushed all away and be the one I could stand with in this darkness. _

_Help me to become a person worthy of her forgiveness. Someone she can count on, a hero that will raise his sword only to aid her. Like Ichigo Kurosaki, a warrior that will die for her without hesitation. _

_To be the brother Renji Abarai has always been for her. He who has never failingly put her happiness and well-being before his own. _

_To become a person worthy of her love. _

_I envy them, how easily and free they are to follow what their hearts whisper… I remember I used to be the same. Father, help me find that person once again. _

_With love that has only grown stronger over the years, _

_Byakuya. _

His knees grew weak and he slid to the ground, staring unseeingly into the space before him.

"This was you. This was…you're so beautiful." he whispered then shook his head slightly, "were. It will always be 'were'…now."

_I just… _

All thoughts came to a hold as he heard the door open and the sound of footsteps coming to a halt.

He shut his eyes, he failed. He was always failing and now when it was important to keep a strong appearance in front of his squad he just had to lose it in such a public place and have one find him in such a weak state.

How was he even going to begin to explain?

Poor squad member was probably scared half to death, here was his captain, one who should be tough and brave, slumped on the ground with shoulders hunched.

"Earlier I went out to train and didn't stretch, feeling the effects of it now. I'm horrible at following my own advice sometimes," he said putting a fake cheer in his voice, hoping it would do.

Finally the shinigami moved, closing the door behind and hesitantly walked to where he knelt.

He stiffened as a strong hand grasped his shoulder. "Why won't you allow yourself a friend to lean on?"

"Captain Hisagi."

"Shu usually did it."

Worse. This was much worse.

"What are you doing here?" he realized those words were delivered a bit harshly and forced a calm to enter his voice. "Did you need something."

"I did, but right now it looks like you need something."

"What? I don't think I look like I need anything." he said careful to hide his reaction.

Shuhei came around and crouched in front of him, and took hold of his chin when he tried to turn his head. "Rest, a shower, a comb, food… caught my drift?"

Irritation flashed in his amber eyes and he let a little of it come out with his next words. "I know how to take care of myself. I don't know why everyone insists I'm not okay when I'm feeling pretty good. I'm fine damn it." He pushed Shuhei's hand away from his face. "You of- wait, did Captain Unohana send you this way?"

"I've done some pretty messed up things in the past, but even I'm not that crazy to go near that woman if it's not necessary. No I came as me and regardless of what you want to start calling me now, I came here as your friend."

"Well you should have saved yourself the trip because there was no point in coming. I'm fine."

Anger sparked in Shuhei's eyes and he pushed himself off the ground and walked to the window. When he spoke again, his voice was quiet and calm. "I don't know why you keep insisting that you're fine."

"Because I am, why can't you accept that?"

"Why can't I?" Shuhei whispered. "You forget, Renji, that I've been you. I grew up in the streets, I faced some harsh realities that no child should've experienced, just the same as you. I saw my friends fall to disease and murder as well. I loved hard, giving my all to make it work… that it hurt when it was over and I know what it feels like when you give your trust but people misuse it and make you feel like shit. All things you've face throughout your lifetime, I know." He raised a hand to his heart. "I fought hard to get the position I had been given, and though our reasons are different, I know you bled and sweated to get yours.

I looked up to my captain, always walking one step behind him but prepared to put myself in front of him to protect him from whatever danger. That is loyalty…I know you had that for Captain Kuchiki.

Renji… I lost, too."

Renji bit his lips. "I didn't mean… I can be so stupid sometimes."

"I know," Renji could hear the faint tease in his friend's voice. "I didn't come here to talk about something that should be kept in the past. I came to help a friend face something very much in the present. I told you all that, to show you that I understand. You're not alone."

Renji took a moment, he wanted to keep things the way they were, where his hurt was his own, but at the same time there was a longing to take the comfort that was being offered.

His friends. His family. They would always be there for him, just as he would be for them. He was lucky to be surrounded by so many who cared after a childhood of only having a few. So many to count on, so many to hold, to laugh with, to cry with, family who was there for the better and for the worst. He would always thank his lucky stars for giving him this. He would always be grateful.

So it hurt him that he only caused them to worry more. Guilty that his heart felt incredibly lonely.

He swallowed, his hand tightening around the letter, nails biting deep into his flesh. "I don't know how to explain it, if there is a way to say it… you know I've never been good with words."

"Try."

The redhead closed his eyes in frustration. "I can't do it."

"You won't do it." Shuhei turned. "It's not the same thing. Why, Renji, do you think you have to face this alone?"

"I don't want to burden anyone with my baggage and it's… others won't understand."

"But I'm here, I do understand." The plead in his friends voice strong.

"You can't."

"Stop being stubborn for once. We know you're tough, but we all can see that you're not alright."

"I don't know how to be anything else. While growing up there was no one to turn to, I learned to keep it all inside, holding it inside myself. I faced the pain and healed it on my own. I will do the same now."

"You didn't have a choice back then. Things are different now, you do have a choice, but you're choosing the road without all of us who love you."

"I don't know another way to survive."

"I would hardly call this surviving. Just look at you."

"Yeah, look at me." Renji stood up, so now he could look directly into the other man's eyes. Sadness and frustration replaced by determination. "I am the captain of the sixth. I have a squad I need to be strong for. You say you understand, I know you can relate so you know what I tell you. There is a battered squad who has been thrown this and that way, think of all they lost. They're strong, but I can smell and almost taste the fear that lives in them now, I don't doubt my squad, they'll fight… they'll fight, but damn it they'll keep looking over their shoulders thinking I'll disappear on them, too. They're capable of doing something stupid, each of them because they're as much a fool as I am. Damn, I love them for that. He couldn't have built a more perfect team. He put this group together… he'll always be our captain and I, their lieutenant. I know they hurt for him. They need me." His mind then went to Rukia. "There are too many who need me."

"What about what you need? Isn't that as important?"

"It's not."

"Well, it is to me." Shuhei walked past him to the closed door. "It's hard to help someone who won't help themselves, regardless, I won't ever stop trying. I care about you so much. A long time ago you were the man who filled my dreams, the one I wanted to spend every second of my future with. Don't act like I don't know you or what this is doing to you. I know, even if you never spoke the words aloud, I know… I always knew."

"Thank you for the concern, really."

"I knew you loved him…that's what concerns me."

Renji whipped around with wide eyes, but his friend was gone and he was alone with the eerily quiet room again. He looked down at his hands and saw he still held the note, sighing he placed it back into the pages.

He never wanted anyone to know. They were his feelings alone ones he chose not to share. That he refused to share. It was mistake his for not having realized he'd be that transparent to a man who had been the truest lover he'd had.

He dropped down into the chair and stared at the closed door. His friend was knowledgeable and perceptive, but he was mistaken on one thing:

"Loved and love is the not the same thing."


	3. Chapter 3

**Tried to Walk**

**Chapter 3: Just Cry**

No where was the placed Renji walked to. A light misty rain fell from the quickly darkening gray sky as his feet led him aimlessly through the beaten Seireitei streets. Empty they stood, everyone taking shelter from the great down pour that occurred earlier that day. He'd watched from the window of the office, lost in thoughts. Haunted by memories.

He had read the letter again, ten times to be exact. Each time it hurt even more than the last, his soul out of need reached out, searched. It tried to find that strong presence, that aura of a beautiful pink hue that scented slightly of cherry blossoms.

To find him.

Yet he felt nothing, absolutely nothing. It tore him up, made him crazy with grief. He wanted to cry out, but had found himself speechless. Strength fled his body and he collapsed. He'd stared listlessly at the ceiling while lying on the wooden floor until his heavy eyelids closed over his sight and even then not finding any respite for even his dreams were troubled. He could still remember the sound of an animal howling at the moon in complete loneliness, waiting for a response that would never come. A sound so heartbreaking, a feeling of utter emptiness reaching the depths of his core.

_I'll call forever; silence always answering. _

He walked by destroyed buildings, keeping a respectful distance from the scattered pieces of what used to be a roof, a wall, an office…a home now littering the floors. Once the streets had stood pristine and white, where he walked now was some place entirely different. Brown and gray stained the walls, dirt and debris covered the floors mixed in with it was a little bit of red that Renji didn't want to think about. He moved on quickly encountering an area that had been closed off with yellow tape now half hanging on a pole the rest forgotten on the ground.

This part of the Seireitei was heavily damaged and black and Renji instantly knew where he stood. He bowed deeply in silence, clearing his mind for this one moment that belonged to no one but the man who he never quite understood, not even now.

Genryusai Shigekuni Yamamoto, Captain commander of the thirteen court guard squads.

Standing straight again he felt regret for actions he had taken against the man and his rules, shamed for words that had come from his mouth while drinking with his friends and the negative thoughts that had raced across his mind while facing a rule that hadn't sat well with him. The redhead had never tried to understand him, sadly he hadn't thought there was anything to understand. He should've known better, just like his Noble Captain, the Captain Commander had many layers. His end was testament to that.

Feeling disgust with himself for having spent so much time moping over his own loss, of thinking of the pain of his squad alone when the thirteen squads were facing a great loss as a whole.

There was so much left to do, preparations to be made, training to be done, it wasn't the time to allow himself to be swallowed up by his grief. There would come a time but not now. It couldn't be now. He would keep repeating it and hope that at some point his heart would finally listen.

He touched the burned wall, half expecting to feel warmth left behind by the fire, to feel residue of that almighty spiritual energy. But his hand encountered a cold object, nothing but a solid, blackened wall.

"I find myself doing the same, but…"

He jumped. Jushiro Ukitake stood a few feet away, staring past him at the wall. It seemed that lately everyone was creeping up on him or was he that distracted that he failed to notice them?

The tired eyes turned to him warming slightly. "I seem to have scared you, I'm sorry."

"No apologies needed," Renji said as he began to retreat feeling like he was being invasive. "I'm the one who should be saying sorry." He glanced at the yellow tape. "I was just about to leave."

"If you must, I understand." The older man walked by him. "But I wouldn't mind the company."

Renji felt something tug at his heart as he watched the haggard man lift a hand as if to touch where his hand had just been, but the other captain just sighed, the hand returning to his side.

He knew what that felt like. Having high hopes to feel a hint and connection one more time. All the while your brain is screaming for you to stop and think logically. Gone was gone.

"Captain Ukitake," Renji began then stopped. He didn't know what to say and the man in front of him looked so frail and sick with heavy dark bags under slightly red rimmed eyes and skin shades paler than Renji last remembered. "I think you should see someone. Captain Unohana…I hear she can help."

_Hypocrite. _

"I look that bad?" A small smile tugged at Ukitake's lips. "I've heard she can, and she has."

"You've talked to her then?"

"Yes. These past few months have been difficult, on all of us I must say, and it has put a great strain on my body. There was so much to be done that my health was the last thing I stopped to think about. My health is already poor as is and with no care I easily became extremely ill. A trip to the fourth division was in demand." He chuckled softly. "Actually, the demand came from Shunsui. He was very insistent and took it upon himself to take me there quite candidly."

"He's a good guy." Renji smiled. He always admired their relationship, the way that they openly showed their affection without being scandalously out there. There was infinite trust and love there. It was something he dreamed to have one day… but that kind of dreaming had been before the Quincy's arrival.

The smile faded from Ukitake's face. "Yes he is. Without him I don't know what would've become of me." He paused and delivered the next words in a whisper, "No, that's not true… I would be dead."

"That…" The redhead began closing his eyes.

"I'm sorry, I hadn't intended to speak those words aloud, they slipped. My emotions rise to the surface when I stand in this place. I am sorry, you didn't need to hear that."

"I… understand it." He cleared his throat, eyes still shut.

Ukitake stared at the other man, his head tilting slightly, his eyes observed the pained expression and tired lines. "I have seen so little of you lately, how have you been, Renji?"

"Ah… I've been busy with trying to get everything in order, you know?"

"Tell me about it."

Renji nodded thinking Ukitake was agreeing with him.

"I was being serious, talk to me about it."

"Oh," answered the redhead dumbly. "I mean, why? I respect you too much to bore you that way, Captain Ukitake."

"I think it would do me some good to listen to the progress of another squad and perhaps for those that continue to linger it would please them to hear that we are trying to move forward."

"I guess." He shuffled his feet unsure where to begin. "Well, I've been trying to start a routine training, like before, but I don't want to seem like I'm rushing things. I know it's been some months now, but the squad means a lot to me, I don't want to push them to start something they're not ready for. The rest of the time I spend is in trying to finish all the work papers that never seem to stop coming in."

"Have you been training? Alone?"

"Yeah… some."

"How has that gone?"

"It's been okay."

He didn't tell him of the first restless nights where he stood in the training grounds, sweating and bleeding heavily. Cuts and bruises covering his body, all done by his own Zanpakutou. He trained until his legs gave out beneath him, until he was too exhausted and dehydrated to move. On some nights it'd been so bad that he would end the night vomiting on the ground. Zabimaru had had enough one night and told him that they were not going to encourage his destructive behavior and so had withdrawn. They continued to withhold their powers and only let up if he was with a group and, he'd like to think, if he was in danger.

"And your heart? How have you been taking each day?"

The question caught him by surprise with it's directness. Renji fumbled for words that would offer up as little as possible without seeming rude. He just didn't want to talk to anyone about it. "I'm taking each day one step at a time."

If Captain Ukitake had caught on to his reluctance to speak further on the subject he kept it to himself. The older man just nodded slowly and they stood no one speaking. The wind had picked up and thunder sounded off in the distance. The misty spray had become fat drops of water falling irregularly, hitting a forehead here and a hand there.

Renji was wondering if he should make his exit then, he could use the beginning rain as an excuse. Just as he opened his mouth to speak the other captain beat him to it.

"We are all trying to walk even though for our friends the road has ended. No one expects us to be unshakable. We are not unfeeling or soulless. We are sure to stumble regardless of birthplace or rank. This is the time to take hold of the hand that is being offered for we are all struggling, we shall all help one another. Give comfort and in turn seek it for ourselves."

That did it for Renji. He was already walking around with a weakened mind, the days growing on him and the visits of his friends had nearly broken down his walls, but hearing this man with many years ahead of him ripped whatever remained of his protective shield away. Renji began tentatively. "One of the first things we learned at the academy was never to fight an enemy on your own."

"Yes, we should never face anything alone."

"But… what if the enemy is too strong and you know it's a lost battle? Why burden the rest?"

"If they are truly on your side, it will never be a burden to come to your aide."

The redhead swallowed the lump that had formed in his throat. He had spoken more than he had with anyone else, still he didn't feel comfortable crying in public. He would never cry in front of anyone. "And if you're dying and you know there's no changing it, what then?"

Ukitake tucked his errant hair from his face. "Your friends will try and they will never stop trying, why do you stop trying?"

"Why do I…" Renji whispered more to himself. "I just can't let them know how bad it is. I'm suppose to be their foundation."

"She cries," the older man said sadly.

Renji's head jerked up. "She?"

"Rukia," Ukitake said, placing a hand on Renji's shoulder. "At night she locks herself in her room at the barracks and cries a heartbreaking cry when she thinks I'm asleep and she is alone. I don't mean to eavesdrop, but I have walked across her room and I hear. I wish I don't because I cannot comfort her; she has a right to privacy." He looked into the young captain's worried eyes. " 'Why won't he let me help?', she sobbed one night, I wonder now who she was speaking about?"

Renji's face fell.

"Renji Abarai, Captain of the Sixth Division." Ukitake waited until Renji lifted his head. "I see unbelievable strength in you. It has been hard for us all, even I have had a difficult time, I still cannot unsheathe my Zanpakutou. You have chosen to keep moving forward, carrying on what he has built, on your own. All on your own. You truly are worthy of this position. Byakuya would be proud of the captain you have become."

The redhead turned away, nauseous.

"Renji, please understand. You are only causing more harm to yourself and everyone around you by pushing away. We see your strength, but we want to see you happy. One soul… I know there is one soul that you can speak to, that you would want to speak to. The one that will reach you when the rest of us couldn't."

"There isn't…"

"I will leave you to think on it, Renji." The older captain turned to leave. "I hope it helps."

(*)*(*)*(*)*(*)*(*)*(*)*(*)

Drenched. Soaked to the bone. Yet, Renji hardly noticed.

Night had fallen and the rain finally stopped, though if you asked him how long the storm lasted he wouldn't be able to give you an accurate answer. Had it dragged out and lasted hours or past in a flash in just a few minutes? He wasn't sure.

It was getting hard to act like nothing was wrong, to pretend he was fine. Everyone was right when they said he wasn't okay, he was having a difficult time believing it himself now. He felt lost and confused. As each day passed by he had to face the realization that miracles only existed in storybooks and that this was his life now, the road in which he was suppose to continue to walk further in.

Was it possible that things would get better? The future seemed so bleak. A life bereft of joy was not a life at all.

He had been walking for a long time, his thoughts his only companion. Though he wouldn't want it any other way.

"Captain Abarai," the deep voice said as the man bowed respectfully, drawing the redhead from his thoughts.

Too much to ask for some time alone Renji thought to himself staring at the man's strange garment. Upon a closer look his eyes widened. "You're part of the Kuchiki house, why are you here?"

That's when the redhead realized where he stood. The tall golden gate bedecked with garnet and sapphire, each bar engraved with such intricate designs only money and power could buy, it could only belong to one place.

A Kuchiki clan leader's final resting place.

Regardless of the jewels and expensive decorations it symbolized the same thing as other places similar. It was a Cemetery. A graveyard. A place for the dead.

Renji felt like dropping to his knees and retching right there. Instead he swallowed the feeling down and stood a little straighter. "I'm sorry. It's late and I'm in some serious need of sleep."

That was enough to erase the look of puzzlement on the guards face. "I understand. However, you are not barred from visitation because of time. I am sure you knew that and must be why you have come."

"No, I-" Renji watched the gates opened, he wasn't in the right mind to figure out how the functions in that worked out since the guard hadn't opened it or sent a signal.

"You are free to pass."

He stood frozen to the spot. This was the last thing he ever wanted to do. He'd rather face an infinite number of hollows than face this. He wanted to turn back in the opposite direction, runaway and not have to deal with it.

But he couldn't for the same reason he stood and watched as his Captain was put into the ground, he needed to maintain the picture of calm strength even as inside he was panicking. He released a breath, nodded and walked ahead. The gates shut behind him with a soft clang locking him inside something worse than a prison.

He walked until there was some distance between the guards and himself. Finally he stopped, his breaths coming out in pants, he braced his hands on his knees, trying to get air into his lungs normally. When he regained some composure he stood and for the first time really looked at his surroundings.

Just with seeing anyone would know they stood near greatness. The house took care of their fallen, death could not make the residents here less important. They were Kuchiki Clan leaders while breathing, offered every courtesy imaginable and now in their time of eternal sleep they were given nothing less.

Exquisite tombs the size of cottages lined up in rows on either side of him. Each designed differently than the one next to it, Renji assumed each was made specifically in memory of the occupant. All were lavishly decorated and expertly built using only the finest. He walked respectfully, trying to make each step feather-light for he stood on sacred grounds.

As he passed by each resting place, he read the names and busied himself reading the golden plaques on the doors. Until he reached the place where his Captain's grandfather lay. He distracted himself observing Ginrei Kuchiki's tomb, built with the beautiful white trunks of the Canoe Birch trees. His resembled more the tombs that had come before, taking a more traditional look and less with the extravagant.

_In remembrance of the never forgotten, Lord Ginrei Kuchiki, 27__th__ head of the Kuchiki Clan. We have built this tomb with fifteen of the largest and strongest Betula Papyriferas, their number of years equivalent to the many years of your life span. Let us not forget the power yours was; We shall bow in reverence to you for eternity, O Great One. _

His eyes strayed to the next tomb, with it's smooth white stone walls beckoning him with a radiating glow under the full moon. Soon he found himself standing in front of the door, his feet had carried him over seemingly on their own accord.

_Lord Byakuya Kuchiki, 28__th__ head of the Kuchiki Clan, may your spirit find rest, young soul. Elegant and beautiful shall forever be used to describe you. Despite the short timing you have carved a new path of knowledge, you have set us out into a new era. May your soul find peace in this eternal sleep. _

A tanned hand traced each word as he read, trembling as the words only further proved that this man was now gone. A reality he was finding it impossible to take in. His powerful captain couldn't be buried inside this white stone, under however many number of feet of dirt it was. He couldn't be in this cold earth close to relatives he never knew, aside from his grandfather, so far away from his beloved wife and father. The ones that had really mattered.

But he had seen. He saw his captain as he was put into the ground. Yes, he had been sick with grief and so many details of that day eluded him, but that fact was sure: his captain had been buried here…right here, he had seen with his very eyes. That and that alone convinced him that his captain had fallen. Otherwise, he would not be able to believe that the mighty could fall…that invincibility was just a word. How badly he wished it were not only a word but truth.

He wanted to runaway, runaway to his bed and sleep it away and call it a nightmare in the morning.

A thought occurred to him. It was crazy and Renji knew then that he probably needed to be checked by a physician for mental instability or something. But perhaps, this was what he needed. What Captain Ukitake meant. Somehow, he felt as if he had found some kind of answer. The first right in a pool of wrong. Even though his stomach churned at just the idea, he felt it was something that he needed to do.

Hesitant, he pushed open the door and stepped through. His whole body trembled, his heart beat faster and he felt faint. He stood frozen to the spot and his breath caught in his throat.

Moonlight filled the room through a small rectangle opening on the roof, it shone directly on a small sakura tree. Petals scattered across the floor, scenting the air with their beautiful perfume. The smell once a comfort brought him such heartache now. Lit candles blazed on the walls on either side of him.

Suddenly this was the only place that existed. The outside world no longer held any meaning to him as he dropped onto his knees near a marble stone. A sound of pain slipped through his lips. His hands clenched the soft dirt roughly and a low growl vibrated in his throat.

_Why him? Why not me? _

"Sorry…I'm so sorry, Captain Kuchiki." Renji whispered, tears sliding down his cheeks. "I should've protected you. If I were stronger…if only I had been stronger!"

Sobs ripped out of his throat, his chest heaving with the full force of crying out loud. It hurt, the pain physical and emotional unbearable. His captain was just below him, under all the dirt and that was the closest he would ever get to him. He'd do anything to have him back. He truly would.

But the world did not revolve that way. Death didn't care who it took. Their god did not give back. And the world kept on spinning. That was the way things were and would remain.

All he wanted was to see him once more, touch him, feel him, smell him, hear him…tell him everything. Give him everything.

He gave one hacking cough and went silent. He picked his head up and stared hard at the place beneath him and wiped his face with the back of his hands, dirt smearing his cheeks.

"Hey…" he said in a voice barely audible. He glanced at the vases of flowers placed beside the stone. He regretted not picking any wild flowers on the way. "I'm sorry I didn't bring anything."

He swallowed hard. "I don't really want to be here…I don't think you should be here either. I should have done a better job at keeping you away from here. I'm sorry."

"I keep apologizing, but those words will never be enough." He sighed. "Every day…it's been hard without you. I'm trying to be tough for everyone, but inside I'm just confused and broken. You have no idea how badly I miss you. I thought I had forever with you." He shook his head as tears stung his eyes again. "Just look at me. I know you don't like tears…but I can't think of you and not cry. You mean so much to me, Captain, I would do anything to have a second chance."

"My life feels so empty without you. I can't even feel happiness and I don't think I will again. Captain, this heart," he said and placed a hand over his chest, "this heart beat for you. Without you, I feel like it's lost its meaning to beat anymore."

He drop down closer to the ground until he laid stretched out, his stomach touching the grassy floor. His wet clothing made it slightly uncomfortable but it didn't matter. He gazed longingly at the dirt, his hands clenching it softly this time. All anger and guilt fled and exhaustion entered along with a weird sort of peace.

"I love you. I will love you forever, it's the best thing that has ever happened to me. Loving you…it's beautiful."

He closed his eyes only planning to rest his sight for a bit. He was beginning to drift off when he felt a petal brush against his cheek; it felt like a soft caress. Strange, wind could not pass through the walls. Was it truly a petal brushing his skin or merely a figment of his imaginations? He thought before falling deeper into sleep.


	4. Chapter 4

**Tried to Walk**

**This chapter took it's time in coming, for that I apologize. I give thanks to all those who have supported me in either favorites and follows. My utmost gratitude to those who have taken the time to review, all your words have left me inspired and touched. I only hope to continue to entertain all of those who have enjoyed thus far. **

**Thank you, **

**YJ_ANDY**

Chapter 4: A Breath Of Heaven

Sandaled feet walked over stone pavement. Each step was light yet every footfall created an echoed that reached miles beyond his reach. Renji looked up, but there was nothing to see for thick fog surrounded him on all sides. A giant hollow could be a few feet away and unless it was making any kind of noises he would walk unknowingly into it's hands, almost as if it were willingly. That thought made him reach for his zanpakutou, but it wasn't there.

"Where-"

A ringing clang sounded in the distance making the redhead turn in all direction, it proved pointless though. It made him pause and wonder. It had sounded like metal hitting the hard floor. A feeling of dread entered him as he put two and two together.

"Your Zabimaru, correct."

He jumped, startled. The voice was deep, very deep. Each word pronounced clearly and unhurriedly.

"Whose there?" Renji asked, "Where are you? Show yourself!"

He heard footsteps so close to him. "I am behind you." The footsteps stopped. "I am no where near you."

"What?"

"I am right here." A hot breath near his ear.

He spun around and found nothing. He stepped back, eyes trying to see through the gray fog for a shadow, anything. He wished he had Zabimaru by his side, even if the odds were against them, the presence of his Zanpakutou never failed to comfort him.

"Warriors need their weapons; you need it not. A weapon is for danger; there is naught here."

"What the hell do you want?" Riddles always managed to irritate him. "You've already disarmed me, stop messing around and do what you came here for."

"I will not kill you; you will meet death."

A shiver shook his body. "What do you want?"

"Walk forward; walk backwards. Walk east or walk west."

He wasn't going to take orders from one he didn't know, much less from something he had yet to see physically. His legs trembled slightly and one foot moved forward on its own. He tried to resist the uninvited movement in his body and was able to stop it, only to have whatever it was use a much more forceful power to move him. He fell onto his hands and knees, scraping both.

When he opened his eyes he found himself staring at his own reflection. Glancing up he noticed the fog had let up a bit and he could see he knelt at a marsh. His eyes were drawn back to the still water.

"Renji Abarai." A different male voice this time, quiet and soft. "Pray tell me what you see."

"I see my…" he trailed off as his eyes widened. The water began to ripple, his clear reflection disappearing. The waters calmed again and another image had replaced his face.

"M-my Captain," he said choking on the words. It was his noble captain lying in his casket, dressed in an immaculate white kimono with pink petals covering the surface, each petal outlined in gold. Each pale hand placed over himself, holding the hilt of his Zanpakutou. His face was unmarred, hair clean of the blood that had to have been there and straightened out around him looking like the finest silk.

"No, child. He is no longer your captain."

Renji shook his head. "He'll always be my captain."

"I see," the voice said, the image changing once again, "and now?"

The water now displayed two separate images. The first held an image of himself dressed in a different uniform speaking with others dressed alike only less elegant. It was confusing and meant little to him. While the second made him weak inside. This one was of his Captain standing at a large meadow, hair blowing in the wind. A delicate hand holding a brilliant red flower lifting it slowly to his face. Everything was perfect but for the expression he had on, his eyebrows were furrowed in a troubled look.

Everything in the redhead wished to go to his captain so he could wipe away his worries. Touch him and smooth away the lines that had no place on such a beautiful face.

"Which shall you choose?"

His brown eyes softened as the raven haired captain lightly rubbed his cheek against the flower, eyes closed as he let the velvety texture caress his cheek. A memory stirred in the redhead but he was too rapt in the image and it quickly left his mind. There was something about the vibrant flower put against that pale skin that left the redhead breathless.

"I'd do anything to be with him again." He had the sudden urge to touch, but he knew if he did he would disturb the water making the image vanish.

"That shall be your answer."

He hardly heard the words because at that moment the gray eyes opened, lifted and seemed to see him. Entranced he extended a hand and let it graze the surface. However lightly his fingertips had been the entire body of water began to ripple violently. The colors swirling with each other creating a confusing display.

It saddened him a bit to lose that lovely image of his captain. But that was all it was, an image. A trick of light.

Suddenly, hands reached out and took hold of him dragging him into the whirling waters. The waters slapped his face as he hit the surface, his lungs taking a mouthful of water and air, burning with the sensation.

The waters were murky so he was unable to see much through his half lidded eyes. He continued to be dragged further down by the mysterious hands that he began to observe. The snowy colored arms glowed through the dimness and he caught sight of intricate patterns running up both arms shimmering silver.

He tried to see if he could get a glimpse of a torso or head, but he came to the alarming conclusion that the hands and arms connected to neither and seemed to move on their own.

He began to thrash wildly, kicking his feet and trying to pull free. It managed little to nothing as he was held in a vise grip. But for all his struggling the grip never tightened or caused any pain.

"Dear child what frightens you so? Fear shall have no place here; my arms are to embrace, my hands to caress and heal." The mysterious voice said as clear as it had been above water.

Renji stopped his fight and let the hands lead him to the deeper depths. He realized that his lungs no longer stung. His body relaxed ever so slightly.

"You have made your choice. I have hoped that it would not be so," the voice said almost regrettably. "You carry so much guilt and sorrow, I shall give you respite. Dear child, understand that my gift cannot be with perfection or infinity. Accept it as it is and use with immense care."

Suddenly he felt the water evaporate and his body was now free falling through a blue sky. A white, lush cloud rose up ahead of him and he entered it. Inside strange pictures were playing on either side of him like a movie screen. It was all just a blur of colors. He came back out only to enter another cloud.

He saw flashes of a child with innocent purple eyes playing near a garden and abruptly it showed the child lying on the ground unmoving with a mouth dripping blood, an enormous fire blazing around him.

Once again he was thrown out and into another. This time it was an image of a smiling Rukia, dressed in a lovely kimono. Her smile was radiant and her face glowing. Again the scene changed without warning and Rukia was on her knees, her body shaking with violent sobs. Rain pelted down on her as she held her stomach.

A cheerful Ichigo was displayed in the next cloud. The boy had longer hair half tied up by the strands that would stay and the ones that wouldn't continued to frame his head and cover his neck. He sat on a grassy floor, arms stretched out, beckoning someone to enter his embrace. Such a happy scene went to one that made Renji's blood go cold. Ichigo now knelt bleeding heavily from his face and everywhere else. A glinting sword was pressed against the vulnerable throat drawing even more blood.

The last cloud held the Seireitei on a nice spring day with a cloudless blue sky hanging overhead, and true to the pattern Renji watched horrified as the blue was replaced by an inky black. Fire burned, blackening the streets and buildings.

Through all that Renji forgot to breath, his lungs reminded him and he took in a massive gulp of air…

He sat up choking. He fisted the blanket as he coughed, trying to breathe. After the coughing fit he sat there breathing heavily with cold sweat running down his forehead and spine. Amber eyes widened and he quickly reached to the side of his bed. His body relaxed once he felt his Zanpakutou was in its place against the wall.

_Master? _

He shook his head and finally realized that he sat on his bed. Hadn't he gone to sleep near his Captain's grave? When had he gotten home? Was that all a dream too?

He dropped his head into his hands. "I'm officially losing my mind. Someone help me."

He didn't know how much more he could take of this. His brain felt wrecked and his body weakened. It was getting hard to know what was real and what was not. Would he begin to mistaken right from left? Up from down?

Was this how people became crazy? Was he starting to become one of them? Would he lose his mind entirely? Was there someway to stop it? Was there any help for someone who preferred sleep and dreams than living the tormented reality?

So many questions and there was not an answer to any of them. Where before his future looked bleak, it now looked uncertain.

He threw the covers off and got up from the bed, stretched then noticed when he took a good look around the black curtains pulled in front of the window. Ever since he became a captain, the curtains were always pushed aside, no longer in use.

He was sure he hadn't done it, there was no reason for it. He bit his lips and moved them away, a reflective gray sky appeared. He examined the black material looking for an explanation.

He let loose a soft laugh. He dropped the fabric and opened the window, cold air blew in chilling his body.

_I think visiting his resting place did more bad than good. _

As he stood staring at the Shinigami milling about, going about their day he remembered that he had a squad of his own. He glanced at the clock by his bed, it was already halfway past noon. He was extremely late, the members of his squad were probably worrying over him.

He ran to the shower and rushed through the whole process of shampooing and soaping. He quickly dried himself and donned on a fresh shihakshou. After he combed out his hair and tied it up he reached into the closet for his haori, but found nothing there. He then remembered he hadn't done laundry lately and rolled his eyes. He would have to make to do with the shihakshou until he got to the office where he kept spares.

He flashed stepped to the sixth division and as he walked down the hall an odd feeling overcame him. He shook his head and proceeded towards the office.

He gripped the knob and felt a sudden electricity, his body shocked into place, yet a pull moving him forward. He opened the door and had to shut and shield his eyes for a light so blinding the sun couldn't have produced filled the entire office space. He felt like he stood elsewhere, silence that was both calming and comforting surrounded him. The air was lighter and felt like a deep part of him was being healed each time he breathed in the strange air. Slowly he could _feel _the light subside. Upon opening his eyes he could see silver colored glitter floating in space. Finally he let his hand drop and lifted up his head, his eyes locking with gray ones.

His heart stopped beating. The blood drained from him. His very life extracted itself from him.

There he sat, by all that was heavenly, there he sat. Could there ever be words profound and accurate enough to fully explain the sight his eyes laid upon? It was unreal, completely incredible. Hair, eyes, nose, lips, skin, neck, hands…all of which he believed never to behold again. The strong presence he'd thought long gone. The scent of sakura attacking his senses, many wondered what the heavens were like, but Renji had found it with one taking in of breath of that lovely scent; he had found paradise.

That which was familiar warred with that with which was exotic, with something not of this world. Such striking beauty could not belong to the same land where he, an ordinary person, walked. An enviable face that could belong to no one but this one dear person. Perfection never had a better definition.

"Vice Captain Abarai." That soft, serious voice…

Everything slammed into him. His heart beat came pounding ten time harder, the blood rushed through his veins somehow it was painful. Warmth took over the cold as life reentered his body. He staggered back, falling backwards landing on his elbows. The pain that traveled up his arms went unnoticeable.

"C-Ca-" he tried but couldn't get anything out. He licked his lips and swallowed the lump that had formed in this throat.

Elegantly the man rose from his seat and moved away from the desk, the desk that now was clean and just how it was before Renji had taken the Captain position. It had to be a dream because something to that extreme was so great to be real and yet he had that feeling, a knowing in his soul that left no room for doubt. This was an honest, genuine and actual reality.

"Captain," he said in a rough voice. Emotion making it thick.

Byakuya Kuchiki bent down in front of him an expression of concern tinting his features slightly. Tears rose in his amber eyes, his heart had sorely missed this face. A pale hand lifted inches from his face, hesitant.

"Vice Captain." The hand touched his face and the redhead's world went black.

The only words he remembered that reached him in that dark place had been his own thoughts:

_Yes, I am your Vice Captain, your lieutenant, your second in command…always under your command… as long as you live and breath and even as you sleep in death. _

(*)*(*)*(*)*(*)*(*)*(*)*(*)

As Renji opened his eyes he found himself lying on a bed in the fourth division. He sat up slowly his eyes finding a stranger standing by the open window. Moonlight shone on the length of silver hair, lighting delicate features. The man's eyes were closed, his head leaned against the wall. He was tall, wearing a white coat with gold touching at the collar.

"Renji Abarai."

The redhead's eyes jumped back to the face, where he encountered dark green irises staring at him intently.

"Who are you?" Renji whispered. Experience told him to suspect every stranger, to bring his body in to defense mode. But he felt oddly calm and unafraid.

A small smile formed on the man's face and he walked towards the bed, where he knelt. Renji could see his face clearly from this distance, but he was once again drawn to those green eyes. So entrancing, soft, comforting and…familiar?

"Yes, child, we have met plenty of times," he spoke in a quiet voice. "However, many of those times are too far in the past you hardly any memory of them."

"The dream…that was you."

The man nodded once, slowly. "You are correct in your perception. Such immense joy fills my being as I watch you grow ever more intelligent and stronger."

"Who are you?" Renji questioned again.

"I am a messenger. I am a healer, I am warmth and comfort. I am a shield, I am a friend. I am all you need me to be. I am your guardian, your most faithful Guide."

"Guide?"

"From the cover of shadows I have watched you mature and develop into the fine person you are today. I have always been that little push in the right direction and the re-igniting spark when the fire died down." Gold gloved hands rested on his tanned ones. "I fear that this time I cannot provide the cure. I will not be able to give you enough. It all lies in your own strength, Renji. In the end what shall you do?"

"What do you mean? What end?" the redhead asked. Then he remembered his Captain and began looking in both directions. "Where is he? Please don't tell me I was dreaming! He was too real… unless I'm losing it."

"You will find out when you are ready." The man stood.

Renji looked down at the place where the man had touched him, it glowed silver. "What's your name?"

"Not now, dear child. I shall be known as Guide. When the end comes and we are to part I shall whisper it softly then." Renji's eyes widened as he watched the man shimmer away. "Do not forget, I will not stop the fight for you and your precious life."

"Wait-"

"Abarai?"

He froze and slowly looked to the doorway. There he stood and all thoughts and questions came to a sudden halt. He clenched the white sheets and continued to stare.

_Byakuya Kuchiki. _


End file.
